boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
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A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Meat Cute
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Candles never taste the way they smell
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it