you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday