Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
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SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong