“Morning, how was your weekend?”
You Might Also Like
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.