I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
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Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i鈥檓 right here
Me: I don鈥檛 really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let鈥檚 keep it that way.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
At the grocery store and forgot my wife鈥檚 list, but no worries I鈥檓 sure there鈥檚 another dad here that I can copy off of.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It鈥檚 skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it鈥檚 also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
馃幎 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 馃幎
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Espa帽ol marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
My house is cleaner than it鈥檚 ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you鈥檒l just have to take my word for it
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Rock paper scissors but it鈥檚 just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?