Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
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There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
We need to put an American base on the sun
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls