I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
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No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Do furries go to doctors or vets?