Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
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forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
“i am a sweet baby”
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Confused owl: What?!
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”