Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.