told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
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CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Nigella has gone too far this time.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT