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The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.