It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
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“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.