Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
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I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate