It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
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*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.