Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
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starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
sin harder.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*