Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
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ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis