INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
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Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Two types of dogs.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.