I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
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Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.