My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
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just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I think about this a lot
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.