I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
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Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
hmm conte-me mais
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money