My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
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[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
idk what he going thru but i feel him