bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
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In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
this is the most humiliating day of my life
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money