I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
God making man in his image was the original selfie
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out