Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
You Might Also Like
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”