I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
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At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.