Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
You Might Also Like
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat