I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work