interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
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Just this preview of the story is enough
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.