Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
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POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel