[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Flock of bats
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”