My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
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I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Yup….perfect score!
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.