i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
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Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.