I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
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There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom