They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
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*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
honestly, i need both:
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA