*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
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I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?