getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
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My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
saw this in a dream
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.