Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
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You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest