Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
You Might Also Like
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.