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A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Stop being racist to kettles.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.