My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
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pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
*puts my mental health in rice
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I鈥檝e fallen on some hard Times.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don鈥檛 count.
Me: 馃
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Next time your work asks why you鈥檙e calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won鈥檛 ask again.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn鈥檛 trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touch茅…*mouth full of fries* touch茅.
If I鈥檓 your lawyer, we鈥檙e in jail