*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
another case of gang violins
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
giddy up Office Depot
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.