oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
You Might Also Like
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Thoughts
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
<- sleeps well with others