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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]