oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
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*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Natural selection at its finest
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Flowers bee like
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.