Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
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Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd