*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
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ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
my dog when i have a friend over
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.