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Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
good for her
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack