My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
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people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
If snakes were wide
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well