When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I am never leaving this website
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website