can you read it!!??
maan!
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just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I’m giving up ice.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
what could possibly go wrong?